BY DAN WOIKE / THE ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER
UCLA has got it all wrong.
Now that the Bruins have rid themselves of Rick Neuheisel, UCLA brass has to make the right hire in order to get the football program back on track.
The traditional way of doing this would be to hire a search firm, interview the top candidates and make a choice that will satisfy the boosters.
This process done this way is flawed, mostly because people are flawed. And with the pressure on UCLA AD Dan Guerrero to make a smart hire, I've figured out the one way he can't go wrong ? by hiring a fake football coach.
See, if you get the boosters behind a big-time name, someone has to pay a big-time bill, and those people typically expect big-time results.
Guerrero can't disappoint his people if he pulls the trigger on a made-up football coach because they're, well, fictional. Who better to lead a program without any real immediate title chances than a coach without any real anything?
TOP CANDIDATES
Eric Taylor from "Friday Night Lights"
Credentials: Head coach at Dillon High School and East Dillon High School; two state titles; three weeks as quarterbacks coach at TMU.
Outlook: Taylor brings a terrific pedigree working with quarterbacks and can handle meddling parents (P-Diddy, I'm looking your way). Biggest downsides are creepy-looking baby and inability to stay in a job for more than a couple of (television) seasons.
Tony D'Amato from "Any Given Sunday"
Credentials: Former head coach of Miami Sharks, winner of two Pantheon Cups
Outlook: D'Amato, a 30-plus-year veteran of coaching, gets a lot out of players while using more four-letter words than George Carlin. He can adapt to different styles of quarterbacks, but he doesn't deal with authority very well. Also, his drinking and love of hookers could be an issue.
Homer Simpson from "The Simpsons"
Credentials: Once coached Pee-Wee football team; owner of Tom Landry's hat.
Outlook: An iconic man known throughout the country would be great for recruiting. Not an intellectual, he makes up for lack of smarts with irrational and erratic behavior. Simpson suffers from rare condition where he never ages. Yellow skin could spark health concerns, but he'd still likely hold USC to under 50 points.
Coach Klein from "The Waterboy"
Credentials: Head coach at South Central Louisiana State; winner of Bourbon Bowl.
Outlook: An offensive mind that was once touted as genius, Klein became the punchline to his team's one-sided losses before turning it around thanks to a bigger Cajun caricature than Ed Orgeron. Still, the whole once-great offensive mind thing might be a road UCLA too recently traveled down.
Sam Winters from "The Program"
Credentials: Head coach at Eastern State University
Outlook: Winters knows how to get good players on campus ? it's just that those players can't read, take obscene amounts of steroids, get into bar fights and drive drunk. And he covers it up. Seems perfectly suited to lead a college football program in the current climate.
The point of this, kind of, is to show that UCLA will almost certainly go wrong when hiring a head coach. Most hires end up in firings, and the successes are by far the exceptions.
Speaking of exceptions, the experts have had a great regular season ? save for one handsome picker.
Click on the photo for this week's picks.
Records (Last week)
Scott Reid: 90-40 (9-1)
Adam Maya: 88-42 (8-2)
Michael Lev: 87-43 (6-4)
Dan Woike: 72-58 (7-3)
This week's games
No. 22 West Virginia at South Florida
Ohio vs. Northern Illinois (in Detroit)
UCLA (+31.5) at Oregon
Saturday
No. 24 Southern Miss at No. 7 Houston
Texas at No. 19 Baylor
No. 12 Georgia vs. No. 1 LSU
Middle Tennessee at North Texas
No. 13 Oklahoma at No. 3 Oklahoma State
No. 5 Virginia Tech vs. No 21 Clemson (in Charlotte)
No. 11 Michigan State vs. No. 15 Wisconsin (in Indianapolis)
Contact the writer: dwoike@ocregister.com
kevin graf tyron smith dajohn harris wes horton nick perry chris galippo devon kennard
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